Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
