Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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