Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
