Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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