My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
