I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
