Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Drunk is not a location!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
