I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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