I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Everclear isn't food dammit
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
