I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
