Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
