Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
