I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
