I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
