and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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