My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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