I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.