Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
