Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
