I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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