Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
