i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
