remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
