She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
