Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
