woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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