some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Randomize
