I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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