apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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