Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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