We're like a lot better than the average bears
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
