Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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