Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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