so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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