The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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