I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
