Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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