Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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