Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
