i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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