I want to have your abortion
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
