I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
