I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
