Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
