he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
