mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
