Im at strip club and am horny
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
