I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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