I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
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