This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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