Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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