I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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