i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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