I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
