Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
