it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
