OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
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I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
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She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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