She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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