How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Im part way to drunk.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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