I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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