Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
